Especially lately, but to some degree all my life, when I read a book, my brain is constantly humming in the background with reflections of my own life and lessons to be applied or taken away. I feel like reading The Other Boleyn Girl gave me an interesting insight into ways my personality has changed over the years.
First, a little about the book: SPOILER ALERT! If you know NOTHING about history and don't know who Anne Boleyn was, or her fate, this might ruin the surprise. More important than that, this will give away a lot about the character development throughout the book. You've been warned.
I wasn't really thrilled with this book in the beginning, but it came highly recommended by a friend with similar tastes to mine, so I stuck with it. It is told from the perspective of Mary Cary (nee' Boleyn), Anne Boleyn's younger sister. When the book opens, Mary is 12 years old, and I found her character rather naive and vapid. I also found the rivalry between the two sisters downright obnoxious. I'm glad I persisted, though, because Philippa Gregory is a very talented author and as the character aged, her increasing maturity was excellently reflected in the storytelling.
I think there are many overall themes and takeaways one could get from this story. There is a conflicted relationship between sisters who are at once rivals and teammates and confidants being used as pawns in a greater game. There are themes pride, jealousy, greed, and lust for power. My feminist mind was aflutter through the whole book with the sad situation women found themselves in and also with the strength of women joining together behind the scenes and exploiting what little powers they did have to their maximum potential.
The historical themes were masterful. Before I read the book, I found out that Philipa Gregory is well known for doing excellent historical research on her subjects before undertaking a project. That really enriched my experience reading the book - especially after watching the horrifyingly inaccurate Tudors. I felt like a came away from the book with a little better grasp of the realities of Tudor England.
Ultimately, though, throughout the whole book, what my mind kept coming back to was the personalities of the two main characters. I saw them almost as alternatives of my own personality. There was the ambitious striver (Anne Boleyn) and the mother figure (Mary Carey).
This is a simplification, but the general categories work. First, I'll touch on Anne because the thoughts evoked by her character were a little simpler than those evoked by Mary.
The Anne Boleyn character in this book (and in all likelyhood in real life) was a person who knew what she wanted from a very young age. She was primed for it, raised for it: power and prestige. Of course, it was the tempered power of a woman, a power earned by high marriage and not necessarily anything else. But it was the most power she could ever hope to acheive and she was groomed to see the corresponding prestige as "the goal" in the same way that some women and girls today see other things as "the goal" - getting married and having children, having a particular career, having "it all," or marrying a successful man, depending on the upbringing and environment.
Anne latched onto this goal and carried forward with it with determination boardering on the manical. At points in the book, she has driven herself to complete exhaustion keeping up the persona she has chosen to wear. She sacrificed happiness, love, friendship, even - it could be argued - her own humanity, all in unrelenting pursuit of "the goal."
I have been similar to this in my life, though not quite to the extreme. I have pushed toward certain goals (always career goals, as far as I can tell; I've never seen marriage as much of a goal to pursue so much as something that should happen on it's own) with a passion that other people don't posess. I've pushed through circumstances that would have easily averted others. I have even put on the blinders and went straight ahead, ignoring other goings on in life in pursuit of my goal. And in many cases, I've succeeded.
But, I have also changed and become a lot less goal oriented - or maybe my goals have just changed, become more amorphous. Changes that never occured for Anne, that, in some ways couldn't change once she reached a certain point. Forward was all she had left.
I have also been known to toy with the emotions of men. But that was never for prestige. It was for my own childish amusement and I have since given that up, though I did take a little bit of titillating nostalgic joy in reading some of Anne's exploits in that arena.
And because I have changed, I felt more akin to the Mary Carey character. Mary starts out with the same "goal" orientation as Anne. And she acheives her goal, though more through a series of random events then through sheer determination. For a while, she is pretty devoted to the goal. Then she has children. This brings about a change in her. The experience of loving her children, and subsequently missing them, leads her to a drastic rethinking of her priorities. The goal is still there, but she no longer sees it as her goal. She sees that it is a goal that was chosen for her, and eventually, it is no longer her goal at all. Mary wants nothing more than to live peacefully in the country with her children.
Well, I can sure as heck relate to that! Rarely a week goes by that I don't spend at least a little time fantasizing about running off to a subsistance from out in the woods and playing with my kids all day long.
Of course, I also know I would never last in that life. There is also a little law office attached to our subsistance farm. The career goal is still there, but it is more focused on helping people than on any sort of prestige. Obviously.
Like Mary, my children have completely changed my outlook on my life, my career, society, and myself. I want different things than I ever thought I would when I first set out toward my goals many years ago. In a month or two, I will be the MOJO - a powerful, high profile, prestigious position. A position that, 4 years ago, I really wanted to attain. Today, I'm not looking forward to filling it. I appreciate that it is still a good thing for me, that it will still allow me to help people (one of my new goals), but it is mostly a great stepping stone toward the life I now know I really want to live - complete with the farm in the country/woods.
I am neither Mary Carey nor Anne Boleyn. As usual, I want the best of both worlds. But reading this book was a really interesting self insight into the changes I have made as well as fodder for some very interesting thoughts about what might have happened if I had remained more an Anne, pressing forward relentlessly to my goal of power. I honestly think I may have ended up rather high in politics. I don't think I really have any desire to do something like that anymore.
When you read, do you find yourself being lead into self examination? What books gave you unusual insights into yourself?
Showing posts with label Fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fiction. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Universe is Screaming at Me
. . . or, at the very least, it's nudging me very, very hard.
Note: I started this post days ago, and have written it in chunks. It may not be cohesive, but I want to get it published because I have follow-up posts I need to write!
All Fall, I found myself in a cleansing phase, both literally and spiritually. I went on a cleaning and organizing bender all over the house (which the holidays have since completely undone, sigh). At work, I pushed through huge numbers of cases, tying up loose ends that had been plaguing me for months and smoothly transitioned into my new position. Socially, I vowed to stop wasting my attention on negative and dramatic people in my life. I even started cleaning out my social networking lists (though sadly I still haven't finished that particular project). Internally, I tried to reflect these same changes with a promise to myself that I would not allow my thoughts to be turned to negative, judgemental ponderings. If negative thoughts about a person entered my thoughts, I would push those away and devote my energy to gratitude or growth.
Sometimes, it was easy. I am, by nature, a pretty positive person. Sure, I'm flippant, wry, and even sarcastic at times, but it is all with an air of relative optimism. Other times, it was more challenging. Sometimes the emotions would come up and catch me before my thoughts could temper me. So I still did have negative thoughts. I still did say hurtful things from time to time. I still gave in and let the negative people in our lives distract me.
MacGvyer and I have a disproportionate number of people from our pasts who are overly interested in us. I won't go into details, but trust me, it is a very unusually high number of people who show very unusual amounts of interest and interference in our lives. For my part, I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was a rather strange combination of heartless and optimistic when I was younger. For MacGvyer's part I can only guess it has to do with his strangely magnetic and encompassing personality combined with his impressive powers to shoot right to the heart of people's thoughts and motivations. And his hotness. Of course.
Either way, with the advent of the internet, a lot of people who would not normally have access to our lives have. And I have always sort of neutrally welcomed it. I don't seek people out. I am not the kind to look up those from the past. And frankly, even if I were, it's not necessary. They've all found me. And I just sort of went with it. Call it curiosity. MacGyver has not welcomed it. He is the kind to completely cut ties to his past. Once he is done with something, it's gone to him. Poof. Like it never happened.
I'm actually rather impressed with this ability of his. Maybe even jealous to a tiny degree. I still remember tons of strange and unusual details about former friends, enemies, lovers, and acquiantances. While I have almost no emotion tied to those facts, the memories remain, peices of information within my brain, building my life.
For as long as I have known MacGvyer, I have been shocked by how little he remembers or cares about his past. Even though he has had more serious relationships than I have, he has far fewer memories. I still remember most of my exes' and old friends' birthdays. He remembers only one, and that is soley because she was born on Hitler's birthday (not surprisingly, ahem). He lives in the moment to a degree few people acheive. I once stumbled across some pictures from his past buried deep in the bottom of a long forgotten box of trinkets, and when I showed them to him, he was visibly disgusted. He immediately wanted to burn most of the pictures.
It's a healthy catharsis. Letting go of the past. Never thinking about it. "Ignore"ing friend requests and casting off old relics. I am the opposite. I am a nostalgia addict. I keep all my pictures from the past (even the ones where I look aweful or those is-that-a-finger-or-the-edge-of-a-table? pics), all my diaries, even old blogs lurking hidden on the internet under old aliases. Typically, I only ever look at these things when we're moving, otherwise they sit in a box in the back of the closet, undisturbed. I have no real feeling about them anymore, but I value the memories. I can't imagine burning them.
As with so many things, MacGvyer and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Just last night, he was talking about how we are the perfect Yin and Yang ("With the little dots, too!" he exclaimed, laughing). We pull each other in opposite directions, and so are each drawn to a more balanced center.
And going into my Fall cleansing stage, I thought perhaps I should take a cue from MacGvyer and cut loose many things and people from the past. After all, more often then not, people from the past only bring drama - annoyance, at best. (Remember this? And this?) Sure, some people from the past have popped back up and subsequently become good friends. They are the exception rather than the rule. Mostly, they become random, unnoticed items in my Facebook feed until one day I get some sort of deranged - probably drunken - instant message poking at long healed (on my end) wounds or looking for attention.
And while I had always entertained these instances with a sort of detached amusement - even a touch of flattery, they nevertheless constituted a source of distraction, and occasionally stress, that had absolutely no significance in my real life. So I decided to be done with it all, once and for all. To follow MacGvyer's example and ignore these pleas for attention, living utterly and entirely in the moment.
I got sucked in once or twice, but for the most part I carried forward with my plan, and am still carrying forward with it. But today, recently, I'm rethinking it - to a degree.
The Universe, it seems, wants me to refine my plans a little. Perhaps I misinterpreted earlier messages, because the messages I'm getting now are quite a bit clearer. The messages are coming in words. Three particular books, to be more precise.
In the Pagan Calendar, the Wheel of the Year as I observe it, the Fall is a time for clearing out, wipping away, cleansing. The Winter is for ruminating. Thinking, planning, looking ahead. It is about growth, development, newness - but not in the active way that Spring is about growth. Where as Spring is about shoots, blooms, and birth, Winter is more like pregnancy. It is where the stirrings of new potential start, slowly, thoughtfully, to take shape before bursting forth in Spring.
I did not directly choose any of the three books I am reading now. (I'm technically reading four books now, but I'm only a few pages into one of them). The Universe, fate, forces of circumstance, brought them into my life.
One was given to me by a friend. She suggests books to me all the time. I rarely read them. She is a psychologist and very into "personal transformation" books. I find them too contrived and "touchy-feely" most of the time. This one, she insisted, was perfect for my hyper-rational nature. While it talked about personal transformation, it did so from a very rational, scientific standpoint. "And," she pointed out, "most other people don't like the book because they find it too technical - too much brain and not enough emotion." Well, that does sound right up my alley.
The second book, Pride and Prejudice, came already programmed into my Nook. I figured maybe I'd read it one day, but it was so far down at the bottom of my list that I might never get to it. And really, that didn't bother me at all because it really didn't sound like my kind of book. I have all the romance I need in my day to day life. I don't fancy reading about it. Then, through the most random string of events, I one day found myself with time to read - which never happens - but no books! Which also never happens! All I had was my Nook, but I had already read all the books I had loaded into it. So, perhaps a tad reluctantly, I set to reading P&P. At the very least, I thought, I do enjoy the insight "classic" novels provide. Now, I'm totally hooked on this book. (Update: Have finished it, and absolutely loved it).
The third book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, has already had a great impact on my life. A little more than half way through it*, I already know I will be rereading this book many times. It speaks to me in a powerful and direct way that I haven't felt in a very long time. With Ethical Eating, with my UU Pagan spiritual journey, with my desire to truely make a difference in people's lives through my legal practice, with motherhood, and charity, and a focus on gratitude, I have been for some years now forging a path. I don't know where it will lead. Indeed, I try very little to look ahead on the path as each new step is so potent and full in and of itself. I don't need to know where the path is going, factually. Because I have utter faith that it is leading me to a place of helping, of healing, and of - dare I say it? - Personal transformation. Actually, the entire path is transformative. And at the end of it, I will truly make a difference in the world. Perhaps through the path itself.
* Also finished this one since I started this post.
Ok, so that's getting rather deep and maybe a little self-righteous sounding. At the very least overly-heavy. But it is my dream, and it is where I feel faith at this point.
So back to the books: I have been on this path for some time - a few years at least. Just sort of feeling it out as I go, trying to be a better person every day, to be empathetic to all creatures, to be a source of information for change, and to refrain from judgement. So far, I fail in all those things on a daily basis. But I am getting better.
The first book, Mindsight is like a tool. It attempts to teach a deeper understanding and control of one's emotions through a deeper understanding of the workings of the brain. I am still not all that far into this book because the others have been taking up more of my time, but I love the concept of this book because it is already something I have done for most of my life. As a "hyper-rational" person, since childhood I've always been able to separate myself from my emotions - to step outside my emotions and interpret them rationally. This is a defining characteristic of my personality and contributes largely to my ability to remain calm and collected amidst chaos as well as to my wry sense of humor. This ability, however, tends to glitch in the face of overwhelming emotion. Early on in our relationship, I hadn't the slightest idea how to conduct myself around MacGyver because the strength of my emotion was in conflict with my rationality. I'm sure this has also contributed to my obsessive worry issues when it comes to my kids.
So for a couple years I've been trying to reconcile stronger emotions with my hyper-rational nature, but with only limited success. The two things just don't seem to mesh. This book, it seems, may answer that issue. And it's looking like it will be a big bridge for putting into practice deeper discoveries and revolations from other areas of my life and from the other two books. Because anger and annoyance are also emotions, and lately, being more in touch with my emotions, I've been more prone to harbor anger toward people. Not anger that causes me to really act, other than possibly shoot my mouth off here and there, but anger that simmers in me when other people do or say stupid freaking things (not good when you're a lawyer!). And I don't like that anger being there.
So Mindsight is a tool to put the new themes I'm seeing emerging in my life into practice and an effective manner.
Compassionate Life will be getting it's own post. Hell, it will probably (ideally) be getting a lot of them. Even though the title did NOT make me want to read the book at all, the fact that it won the 2008 TED "Ideas Worth Spreading" prize, AND the fact that the author, Karen Armstrong, was a speaker at General Assmbley this year got me interested. Then the opportunity for MacGvyer and I to read it together as part of a discussion group at church finally goaded me to actually get the book. And I could not be more grateful that I did.
There are too many concepts in this book to boil down to just a paragraph or two, but I will say that much of what it talks about is similar to Mindsight, but on a much deeper, more spiritual level. The purpose of the book is to move people - all people - to live lives of empathy and compassion, to ease anger, fighting, war, and all the harms to humanity that spring from those things. Lofty, lofty goals, but they are put forth in individual step that can be worked inside any human being. Moving doesn't even begin to describe this book. Written from a religious and and ecumenical stance, it discusses points from many major religions (Christianity, Buddhism, Confusionism, Judiaism, Islam - and those are just off the top of my head).
It is exactly what I've been trying to get to in my life, but expressed with so much more clarity and direction than I think I could have ever come to on my own. It's like the Universe looked at me and said, "Oh, that's what you're trying to do? Here, there'san app for that a book for that." (In my world, the Universe has quite a sense of humor). In the future, I will write more detailed posts about this book, but for now I will simply say that this is what I've been looking for. It contains the keys to being the person I want to be, to truly following the "golden rule," letting go of judgement and the pointless anger and annoyance it breeds, and to reaching higher goals than I had previously considered spiritually, emotionally, and practically.
Compassionate Life is the center point of these three books that have communicated so powerfully with me lately. It is the crux. And it may well become something of a Bible to me for some time to come. Seriously, go get this book. You will not regret it - no matter what religion you are.
With the lofty notions and goals of the first two books, how does Pride and Prejudice fit in? It is, after all, a romance and a work of fiction. How does it tie in to the two books that are molding and transforming my thoughts right now? Perfectly. It ties in perfectly. A strong, intelligent lead character who believes herself quite adept at rationally controlling her emotions becomes blinded by her own perceptions and unwittingly stands in the way of her own happiness. It was during my reading of P&P that I had the "Aha" moment of the Universe smacking me upside the head. While Compassionate Life was deeply moving and transformative, it was the degree to which Pride and Prejudice tied in to everything else that made me stop and take notice of all the signs falling into place.
It was as if the Universe were saying, "You've cut away all the negative, now is the time to outgrow it." Now is the time to let go of annoyance and judgement and accept people for who they are. Even the flawed ones who inject stress into my life.
Because as I grow in my ability to compassionately evaluate my own reactions to people and actions in the world, slowly I will outgrow feelings of anger and resentment, even when people take pointless swipes at me and those I love.
So, while I am not quite ready to go back and strike up discourse with all the people and things I decided to cleanse from my life in the Fall, I will harbour no more resentful feelings toward them, either. I will be a friend (though not necessarily a Facebook friend, mind you - for privacy reasons) to anyone who seeks me out for friendship or advice. And I will grow.
Note: I started this post days ago, and have written it in chunks. It may not be cohesive, but I want to get it published because I have follow-up posts I need to write!
All Fall, I found myself in a cleansing phase, both literally and spiritually. I went on a cleaning and organizing bender all over the house (which the holidays have since completely undone, sigh). At work, I pushed through huge numbers of cases, tying up loose ends that had been plaguing me for months and smoothly transitioned into my new position. Socially, I vowed to stop wasting my attention on negative and dramatic people in my life. I even started cleaning out my social networking lists (though sadly I still haven't finished that particular project). Internally, I tried to reflect these same changes with a promise to myself that I would not allow my thoughts to be turned to negative, judgemental ponderings. If negative thoughts about a person entered my thoughts, I would push those away and devote my energy to gratitude or growth.
Sometimes, it was easy. I am, by nature, a pretty positive person. Sure, I'm flippant, wry, and even sarcastic at times, but it is all with an air of relative optimism. Other times, it was more challenging. Sometimes the emotions would come up and catch me before my thoughts could temper me. So I still did have negative thoughts. I still did say hurtful things from time to time. I still gave in and let the negative people in our lives distract me.
MacGvyer and I have a disproportionate number of people from our pasts who are overly interested in us. I won't go into details, but trust me, it is a very unusually high number of people who show very unusual amounts of interest and interference in our lives. For my part, I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was a rather strange combination of heartless and optimistic when I was younger. For MacGvyer's part I can only guess it has to do with his strangely magnetic and encompassing personality combined with his impressive powers to shoot right to the heart of people's thoughts and motivations. And his hotness. Of course.
Either way, with the advent of the internet, a lot of people who would not normally have access to our lives have. And I have always sort of neutrally welcomed it. I don't seek people out. I am not the kind to look up those from the past. And frankly, even if I were, it's not necessary. They've all found me. And I just sort of went with it. Call it curiosity. MacGyver has not welcomed it. He is the kind to completely cut ties to his past. Once he is done with something, it's gone to him. Poof. Like it never happened.
I'm actually rather impressed with this ability of his. Maybe even jealous to a tiny degree. I still remember tons of strange and unusual details about former friends, enemies, lovers, and acquiantances. While I have almost no emotion tied to those facts, the memories remain, peices of information within my brain, building my life.
For as long as I have known MacGvyer, I have been shocked by how little he remembers or cares about his past. Even though he has had more serious relationships than I have, he has far fewer memories. I still remember most of my exes' and old friends' birthdays. He remembers only one, and that is soley because she was born on Hitler's birthday (not surprisingly, ahem). He lives in the moment to a degree few people acheive. I once stumbled across some pictures from his past buried deep in the bottom of a long forgotten box of trinkets, and when I showed them to him, he was visibly disgusted. He immediately wanted to burn most of the pictures.
It's a healthy catharsis. Letting go of the past. Never thinking about it. "Ignore"ing friend requests and casting off old relics. I am the opposite. I am a nostalgia addict. I keep all my pictures from the past (even the ones where I look aweful or those is-that-a-finger-or-the-edge-of-a-table? pics), all my diaries, even old blogs lurking hidden on the internet under old aliases. Typically, I only ever look at these things when we're moving, otherwise they sit in a box in the back of the closet, undisturbed. I have no real feeling about them anymore, but I value the memories. I can't imagine burning them.
As with so many things, MacGvyer and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Just last night, he was talking about how we are the perfect Yin and Yang ("With the little dots, too!" he exclaimed, laughing). We pull each other in opposite directions, and so are each drawn to a more balanced center.
And going into my Fall cleansing stage, I thought perhaps I should take a cue from MacGvyer and cut loose many things and people from the past. After all, more often then not, people from the past only bring drama - annoyance, at best. (Remember this? And this?) Sure, some people from the past have popped back up and subsequently become good friends. They are the exception rather than the rule. Mostly, they become random, unnoticed items in my Facebook feed until one day I get some sort of deranged - probably drunken - instant message poking at long healed (on my end) wounds or looking for attention.
And while I had always entertained these instances with a sort of detached amusement - even a touch of flattery, they nevertheless constituted a source of distraction, and occasionally stress, that had absolutely no significance in my real life. So I decided to be done with it all, once and for all. To follow MacGvyer's example and ignore these pleas for attention, living utterly and entirely in the moment.
I got sucked in once or twice, but for the most part I carried forward with my plan, and am still carrying forward with it. But today, recently, I'm rethinking it - to a degree.
The Universe, it seems, wants me to refine my plans a little. Perhaps I misinterpreted earlier messages, because the messages I'm getting now are quite a bit clearer. The messages are coming in words. Three particular books, to be more precise.
In the Pagan Calendar, the Wheel of the Year as I observe it, the Fall is a time for clearing out, wipping away, cleansing. The Winter is for ruminating. Thinking, planning, looking ahead. It is about growth, development, newness - but not in the active way that Spring is about growth. Where as Spring is about shoots, blooms, and birth, Winter is more like pregnancy. It is where the stirrings of new potential start, slowly, thoughtfully, to take shape before bursting forth in Spring.
I did not directly choose any of the three books I am reading now. (I'm technically reading four books now, but I'm only a few pages into one of them). The Universe, fate, forces of circumstance, brought them into my life.
One was given to me by a friend. She suggests books to me all the time. I rarely read them. She is a psychologist and very into "personal transformation" books. I find them too contrived and "touchy-feely" most of the time. This one, she insisted, was perfect for my hyper-rational nature. While it talked about personal transformation, it did so from a very rational, scientific standpoint. "And," she pointed out, "most other people don't like the book because they find it too technical - too much brain and not enough emotion." Well, that does sound right up my alley.
The second book, Pride and Prejudice, came already programmed into my Nook. I figured maybe I'd read it one day, but it was so far down at the bottom of my list that I might never get to it. And really, that didn't bother me at all because it really didn't sound like my kind of book. I have all the romance I need in my day to day life. I don't fancy reading about it. Then, through the most random string of events, I one day found myself with time to read - which never happens - but no books! Which also never happens! All I had was my Nook, but I had already read all the books I had loaded into it. So, perhaps a tad reluctantly, I set to reading P&P. At the very least, I thought, I do enjoy the insight "classic" novels provide. Now, I'm totally hooked on this book. (Update: Have finished it, and absolutely loved it).
The third book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, has already had a great impact on my life. A little more than half way through it*, I already know I will be rereading this book many times. It speaks to me in a powerful and direct way that I haven't felt in a very long time. With Ethical Eating, with my UU Pagan spiritual journey, with my desire to truely make a difference in people's lives through my legal practice, with motherhood, and charity, and a focus on gratitude, I have been for some years now forging a path. I don't know where it will lead. Indeed, I try very little to look ahead on the path as each new step is so potent and full in and of itself. I don't need to know where the path is going, factually. Because I have utter faith that it is leading me to a place of helping, of healing, and of - dare I say it? - Personal transformation. Actually, the entire path is transformative. And at the end of it, I will truly make a difference in the world. Perhaps through the path itself.
* Also finished this one since I started this post.
Ok, so that's getting rather deep and maybe a little self-righteous sounding. At the very least overly-heavy. But it is my dream, and it is where I feel faith at this point.
So back to the books: I have been on this path for some time - a few years at least. Just sort of feeling it out as I go, trying to be a better person every day, to be empathetic to all creatures, to be a source of information for change, and to refrain from judgement. So far, I fail in all those things on a daily basis. But I am getting better.
The first book, Mindsight is like a tool. It attempts to teach a deeper understanding and control of one's emotions through a deeper understanding of the workings of the brain. I am still not all that far into this book because the others have been taking up more of my time, but I love the concept of this book because it is already something I have done for most of my life. As a "hyper-rational" person, since childhood I've always been able to separate myself from my emotions - to step outside my emotions and interpret them rationally. This is a defining characteristic of my personality and contributes largely to my ability to remain calm and collected amidst chaos as well as to my wry sense of humor. This ability, however, tends to glitch in the face of overwhelming emotion. Early on in our relationship, I hadn't the slightest idea how to conduct myself around MacGyver because the strength of my emotion was in conflict with my rationality. I'm sure this has also contributed to my obsessive worry issues when it comes to my kids.
So for a couple years I've been trying to reconcile stronger emotions with my hyper-rational nature, but with only limited success. The two things just don't seem to mesh. This book, it seems, may answer that issue. And it's looking like it will be a big bridge for putting into practice deeper discoveries and revolations from other areas of my life and from the other two books. Because anger and annoyance are also emotions, and lately, being more in touch with my emotions, I've been more prone to harbor anger toward people. Not anger that causes me to really act, other than possibly shoot my mouth off here and there, but anger that simmers in me when other people do or say stupid freaking things (not good when you're a lawyer!). And I don't like that anger being there.
So Mindsight is a tool to put the new themes I'm seeing emerging in my life into practice and an effective manner.
Compassionate Life will be getting it's own post. Hell, it will probably (ideally) be getting a lot of them. Even though the title did NOT make me want to read the book at all, the fact that it won the 2008 TED "Ideas Worth Spreading" prize, AND the fact that the author, Karen Armstrong, was a speaker at General Assmbley this year got me interested. Then the opportunity for MacGvyer and I to read it together as part of a discussion group at church finally goaded me to actually get the book. And I could not be more grateful that I did.
There are too many concepts in this book to boil down to just a paragraph or two, but I will say that much of what it talks about is similar to Mindsight, but on a much deeper, more spiritual level. The purpose of the book is to move people - all people - to live lives of empathy and compassion, to ease anger, fighting, war, and all the harms to humanity that spring from those things. Lofty, lofty goals, but they are put forth in individual step that can be worked inside any human being. Moving doesn't even begin to describe this book. Written from a religious and and ecumenical stance, it discusses points from many major religions (Christianity, Buddhism, Confusionism, Judiaism, Islam - and those are just off the top of my head).
It is exactly what I've been trying to get to in my life, but expressed with so much more clarity and direction than I think I could have ever come to on my own. It's like the Universe looked at me and said, "Oh, that's what you're trying to do? Here, there's
Compassionate Life is the center point of these three books that have communicated so powerfully with me lately. It is the crux. And it may well become something of a Bible to me for some time to come. Seriously, go get this book. You will not regret it - no matter what religion you are.
With the lofty notions and goals of the first two books, how does Pride and Prejudice fit in? It is, after all, a romance and a work of fiction. How does it tie in to the two books that are molding and transforming my thoughts right now? Perfectly. It ties in perfectly. A strong, intelligent lead character who believes herself quite adept at rationally controlling her emotions becomes blinded by her own perceptions and unwittingly stands in the way of her own happiness. It was during my reading of P&P that I had the "Aha" moment of the Universe smacking me upside the head. While Compassionate Life was deeply moving and transformative, it was the degree to which Pride and Prejudice tied in to everything else that made me stop and take notice of all the signs falling into place.
It was as if the Universe were saying, "You've cut away all the negative, now is the time to outgrow it." Now is the time to let go of annoyance and judgement and accept people for who they are. Even the flawed ones who inject stress into my life.
Because as I grow in my ability to compassionately evaluate my own reactions to people and actions in the world, slowly I will outgrow feelings of anger and resentment, even when people take pointless swipes at me and those I love.
So, while I am not quite ready to go back and strike up discourse with all the people and things I decided to cleanse from my life in the Fall, I will harbour no more resentful feelings toward them, either. I will be a friend (though not necessarily a Facebook friend, mind you - for privacy reasons) to anyone who seeks me out for friendship or advice. And I will grow.
Friday, September 30, 2011
What We're Reading Now
When you walk through the front door to our house, directly in front of you on the left is a long, old table. Under the table is the cave where shoes and reusable grocery bags live. On top of it, you'll find a random assortment of objects waiting to be returned to their proper homes or things on their way into or out of our house. It is where keys live, it is where my cover for work sits when I'm home, it's where library books await return, and where bills and junk mail go to die.
This table also features The Stack (also refered to as "The Pile"). It is a tall, teetering tower of reading material that was either started and abandoned or is waiting it's turn. The Stack is my version of a To-Read list. It's not all inclusive, but I don't think I could ever come up with an all inclusive list in any format. Right now, The Stack includes a couple issues each of Urban Farm magazine, Working Mother magazine, Natural Living magazine, Parents magazine, The New York State Bar Association Journal, The American Bar Association Journal, The Animal Advocate, UU World, and probably a couple other random magazines I've picked up here and there. And there are books. A bunch of them. A couple of them are MacGyver's, but most of them are mine, and honestly, I can't even remember what they all are right now. I know there are a couple Janet Evonovich novels for when I need something light. I know there are a couple of Ecologically minded books I've recently acquired in there. I'm pretty sure there is also a smattering of other novels that looked good and made it onto the pile.
But I've barely touched it the last couple weeks. The Stack has grown and grown, and it had begun to taunt me. To tease me and torture me with good things waiting to be discovered. "Touch, explore, READ ME," it beckoned every time I walked by.
But we were SO busy, and there just. wasn't. time.
Isn't that always the case? I mean, when IS there ever time for reading for pleasure in the life of a working mom? On the commute? Nope, I don't live where there are trains anymore, and sadly, I can't read and drive. In the tub? HA! I can't even remember the last time I had time for a relaxing bath (meaning one where no one - Flinstone or MacGvyer - ended up in the tub with me). Before bed? To be quite frank, I usually do other things for pleasure at that time - or a pass the frig out as soon as I come within 2 feet of the bed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not in some sort of black whole of reading. I actually read a TON. I read for work all day long. Of course, given the choice the stuff I read for work wouldn't be at the top of the list - or even on it. I catch random articles here and there through news feeds. I read blogs when I've decided I've earned a break during work. It's just the books and magazines in The Stack (and on my Nook, and scattered randomly throughout every. room. of. the. house.) that were getting to me. I mean, even just a few weeks ago I was reading more. I read Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (which was AWESOME, by the way, highly recommend). I used to make it through at least one magazine a week, dragging them along in the diaper bag or keeping them tucked underneath my placemat at the dinner table (not that I would ever read during dinner - that would be a big no-no, but in the morning while I drink my tea, etc).
But the last couple weeks I've just been go-go-going every moment before work, at work, and the second I walk through the door. It's probably Fall. I've been super motivated to get things done lately and have about 600 projects in mind, but just keeping up on the housework is enough to keep me from ever picking up a book.
Actually, lately, I've been the only one in our family not reading. I mean, we are all readers, but usually I'm way out front reading 2 books and 3 magazines at once, leaving a trail of devoured items in my wake. But right now MacGvyer is reading Ender's Game in addition to his usual diet of Popular Science, Urban Farm, Popular Mechanics, and Handyman. We're reading Punky Wellspring of Magic at bedtime, and she has to read 20 minutes every evening for school PLUS 5 books/chapters of books for every half hour she wants of mindless screen time (TV or computer/DS games). Even Flintstone can often be seen toting one of a dozen Dr. Seuss board books around the house at any given moment, though his idea of devouring a book is a little more literal at this point. He's finally liking to actually sit and have [short] stories read to him, and we read him Time to Sleep, my Love at bedtime.
EVEN BOO - who reads approximately one book every 2 or 3 years - read about 5 books while he was here.
So I really need to step up my game. I started Pride and Prejudice on my Nook a while back; I'm going to work on finishing that off. I've finally broken into The Stack again and pulled out an issue of Working Mother and an issue of Urban Farm. I'm taking back my morning tea time - it's only 10 minutes, usually, but it is 10 minutes of complete quiet when I can just sit and drink tea and read.
That is, unless Flintstone continues on with his new plan to get up when I get up every morning . . . ;-)
What are YOU reading right now?
When do you find time to read?
What are you reading as a family?
What are your kids reading?
This table also features The Stack (also refered to as "The Pile"). It is a tall, teetering tower of reading material that was either started and abandoned or is waiting it's turn. The Stack is my version of a To-Read list. It's not all inclusive, but I don't think I could ever come up with an all inclusive list in any format. Right now, The Stack includes a couple issues each of Urban Farm magazine, Working Mother magazine, Natural Living magazine, Parents magazine, The New York State Bar Association Journal, The American Bar Association Journal, The Animal Advocate, UU World, and probably a couple other random magazines I've picked up here and there. And there are books. A bunch of them. A couple of them are MacGyver's, but most of them are mine, and honestly, I can't even remember what they all are right now. I know there are a couple Janet Evonovich novels for when I need something light. I know there are a couple of Ecologically minded books I've recently acquired in there. I'm pretty sure there is also a smattering of other novels that looked good and made it onto the pile.
But I've barely touched it the last couple weeks. The Stack has grown and grown, and it had begun to taunt me. To tease me and torture me with good things waiting to be discovered. "Touch, explore, READ ME," it beckoned every time I walked by.
But we were SO busy, and there just. wasn't. time.
Isn't that always the case? I mean, when IS there ever time for reading for pleasure in the life of a working mom? On the commute? Nope, I don't live where there are trains anymore, and sadly, I can't read and drive. In the tub? HA! I can't even remember the last time I had time for a relaxing bath (meaning one where no one - Flinstone or MacGvyer - ended up in the tub with me). Before bed? To be quite frank, I usually do other things for pleasure at that time - or a pass the frig out as soon as I come within 2 feet of the bed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not in some sort of black whole of reading. I actually read a TON. I read for work all day long. Of course, given the choice the stuff I read for work wouldn't be at the top of the list - or even on it. I catch random articles here and there through news feeds. I read blogs when I've decided I've earned a break during work. It's just the books and magazines in The Stack (and on my Nook, and scattered randomly throughout every. room. of. the. house.) that were getting to me. I mean, even just a few weeks ago I was reading more. I read Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (which was AWESOME, by the way, highly recommend). I used to make it through at least one magazine a week, dragging them along in the diaper bag or keeping them tucked underneath my placemat at the dinner table (not that I would ever read during dinner - that would be a big no-no, but in the morning while I drink my tea, etc).
But the last couple weeks I've just been go-go-going every moment before work, at work, and the second I walk through the door. It's probably Fall. I've been super motivated to get things done lately and have about 600 projects in mind, but just keeping up on the housework is enough to keep me from ever picking up a book.
Actually, lately, I've been the only one in our family not reading. I mean, we are all readers, but usually I'm way out front reading 2 books and 3 magazines at once, leaving a trail of devoured items in my wake. But right now MacGvyer is reading Ender's Game in addition to his usual diet of Popular Science, Urban Farm, Popular Mechanics, and Handyman. We're reading Punky Wellspring of Magic at bedtime, and she has to read 20 minutes every evening for school PLUS 5 books/chapters of books for every half hour she wants of mindless screen time (TV or computer/DS games). Even Flintstone can often be seen toting one of a dozen Dr. Seuss board books around the house at any given moment, though his idea of devouring a book is a little more literal at this point. He's finally liking to actually sit and have [short] stories read to him, and we read him Time to Sleep, my Love at bedtime.
EVEN BOO - who reads approximately one book every 2 or 3 years - read about 5 books while he was here.
So I really need to step up my game. I started Pride and Prejudice on my Nook a while back; I'm going to work on finishing that off. I've finally broken into The Stack again and pulled out an issue of Working Mother and an issue of Urban Farm. I'm taking back my morning tea time - it's only 10 minutes, usually, but it is 10 minutes of complete quiet when I can just sit and drink tea and read.
That is, unless Flintstone continues on with his new plan to get up when I get up every morning . . . ;-)
What are YOU reading right now?
When do you find time to read?
What are you reading as a family?
What are your kids reading?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Lit Zen
Originally Posted:
Feb 14, 2009 12:27 PM
Ahhhh . . . contented sigh . . . I have books. I have been so crazy busy that I've barely had time for any reading at all. Because of that fact, all I had been reading were fluff Janet Evanovich books. While they're really entertaining and relaxing, they don't exactly move me along the path of enlightenment, ha. Not that any of the books I got on our recent jaunt to the library are particularly deep, but I did at least accomplish variety.
I've added the Library Thing widget to my sidebar to track the books I consume and my opinions as well as those of my bibliophile friends.
I'm starting with First to Fight by General Krulak, The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs, the classic Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, a good helping of Douglas Adams in the form of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, and another Stephanie Plum novel (I can't seem to resist).
I can't even express how thrilled I am to have all this reading material at my fingertips. It helps me relax just knowing it's there.
I've added the Library Thing widget to my sidebar to track the books I consume and my opinions as well as those of my bibliophile friends.
I'm starting with First to Fight by General Krulak, The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs, the classic Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, a good helping of Douglas Adams in the form of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, and another Stephanie Plum novel (I can't seem to resist).
I can't even express how thrilled I am to have all this reading material at my fingertips. It helps me relax just knowing it's there.
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