Thoughts on Buddhism

Originally posted:

Jun 7, 2011 4:14 PM

The long title of this post is Thoughts on Buddhism from an unqualified Unitarian Universalist Pagan.

MacGyver has been contemplating changing religions. He has a sort of love-hate relationship with Unitarian Universalism.  He loves the searching, exploring, accepting aspects of it, but he also has a craving for a "deeper" spirituality, if you will.  He believes in the 7 Principles, but he desires something more.  In truth, Unitarian Universalism can sometimes become a little lacking on the spiritual side.  It very much depends on the congregation, and the one we belong to now leans heavily to the Humanist.

Many UUs "supplement" their UU faith with other faiths they are believers of.  I am a UU Pagan.  MacGyver has been exploring a similar path.

He decided to explore other religions to see what spoke to him, starting with Hindu and Buddhism.  We were unable to find any books on Hindu here (annoying), so he started with Buddhism.  He bought two books.  Then he promptly got busy with school, work, PTO, soccer, the repairs to the house/fighting with the insurance company, and the mountain of other things he tackles on a day to day basis, and the books have only been sporadically touched.

By MacGyver, at least.  I can't keep my hands off of books - even when I don't "technically" have time to read them.  So I've been reading a page or two a day of Buddhism: A Breif Insight. 

At first, I was totally on board.  I thought, "Man, this book is converting me.  I'm going to have to become a UU Pagan Buddhist."  I believe in reincarnation; I have for years.  The idea of Kharma really speaks to me.  I am moved by any religion that focuses on doing right by the world as a means to improve one's self and the world at the same time.  Obviously, the focus on refraining from cruelty is one I can really, really get behind (many, many Buddhists are vegetarians).

I also loved that (according to this book), Buddism does not hold that this is the only civiliazation and the only time.  Buddhism posits - much like physics and astronomy might posit - that worlds rise and fall, all over space, time, and dimensions - if you will.  I love this great step outside the rigid bounds of "God made this, and this is it."  (please don't anyone get offended by that simplization, it was only meant to be demonstrative of the preceding point not judgemental of any religion).  I love that view.

The first of the "Four Noble Truths" of Buddhism is the truth of suffering.  That life, by it's very nature, is suffering.  Life on Earth cannot exist with out it.  This is true.  I believe this.

But as I delved further into the Noble Truths, it started to lose me.  Not intellectually.  I still understand what it's saying, but it certainly doesn't speak to me.

At this point in the book (and I'm not through with it, so in a week I may have to post a retraction ;-)), the discussion turns to freeing oneself from the cycle of rebirth by freeing giving up desire.  That I can buy into, a life of minimal desire is usually good for the soul and for those around you.  By giving up desire, one is able to free themself from the cycle of rebirth, to free themself from suffering.  And that is where the wheels start to fall off for me. 

I realize that I don't want to be freed from suffering.  It is for all my suffering that I can appreciate all the wonderful things in my life.  For every ounce of pain and unhappiness I have experienced, moments of joy and pleasure have been that much sweeter.

This book claims that Buddhism does not have a concept of a soul, so to speak.  I haven't 100% wrapped my brain around what it means by this, but is seems to indicate that the bundle of desires and Kharma that passes from life to life does not carry with it any essence of personality.

I don't like that, either.  If anything carries forward from life to life, I would expect it to be the core of who I am.  I would like to believe that I will encounter the same loved ones again and again, though we may never know it in life.  I believe in cycling up.  I believe in building up a morality and that morality carrying forward and effecting where we come out in the future.

But I cannot strive to achieve oblivion.  I know that any educated Buddhist could explain to me that Nirvana is not oblivion.  Other sources cast is as a state of permanant happiness and knowlege.  That doesn't sound bad at all.  But it still implies being severed from concern for the state of other beings.  Because that would be a desire.  And concern for others in the form of desire causes suffering.  So to attain the utlimate enlightenment would - in my mind - sever that connection.

And that I can't fathom as a desireable state.

Perhaps my soul is just not mature enough.  I am certainly not about to acheive enlightenment in this life, with these beliefs.

And maybe my take on Buddhism is so far skewed.  As I said, I haven't finished the book yet.  At this point, though, I'm not there.  I want to believe in Kharma and reincarnation.  I believe in meditation and the release of desire.  I am continually striving to remove as much cruelty as possible from my life.

But if there is an ultimate truth, to me, it's a place where my soul can exist with the souls of those I love, wherever that may be - Heaven, Nirvana, Svargam, or a freaking castle on Mars.

Namaste,
Blessed Be,
Amen.

One Reading Related Bullet

      Good Morning!  How are you this lovely Friday?  I'm doing pretty well.  I'm certainly glad it's Friday, but man did this week fly by!  Being the boss is time consuming!

      Have I mentioned that I'm the boss?  I think I have, but just in case, here's a quick recap on what's going on with me and the rest of the Cheap Wino Fam lately:

• When Capt PaperClip left, I took over as Officer in Charge (OIC) of my section, then they started giving me more personnel.  I am now in charge of four officers, four enlisted Marines, and one civilian paralegal.  Ok, honestly NO ONE is in charge of Snarky Paralegal.  She runs the show.  She's been here for over 15 years and has been doing this for over 33, so really, I'm not in charge of her ;-)
• Not only am I CivLaw OIC (responsible for the 43 opinions we have currently waiting to be written), I'm still the Review Officer (in charge of all post trial review and documents), and the Special Assistant US Attorney for the base. So I'm busy.
• As The Boss, I got a lovely new corner office.  With it's own full bathroom.  AND windows on two walls.  How fancy is that?  MacGyver has already stocked me up with four plants to keep in nice and bright, and so far, I'm liking it.  Though I still find it a little odd to shower in my office after PT . . .
• Punky is rocking all over the place.  She was one of 9 second graders selected for the Gifted and Talented program at her school, and she's reading at the upper end of a 4th grade reading level (as in she's thisclose to a 5th grade reading level).
• Then she had to go and spoil my Nerd Mommy pride by asking if she could join cheerleading.  I said no.  I always thought I'd let my kids participate in any activity they showed interest in, but the feminist in me just can't deal with it.  I told her that when she's old enough to buy the uniforms herself, she can join whatever team she wants.  MacGyver suggested she do swimming instead, and she was all about that.  Yay.
• Flintstone can stand on his own now.  It only lasts about 10 seconds at the longest, but he's pretty stable.  I'll be chasing him all over the place long before I'm ready.
• Thank you for all the lovely comments on the new header!  I'm not super impressed with it, but I needed a change and I was getting fed up with trying to make the image in my head into reality.  For now, I'm happy with this.  Maybe one day I'll have a little more time to devote to the task, and I'll come up with something perfect.
• I'm getting out of work early today, and MacGyver and I are going on a real, 100% kid-free date!  Granted, we've gotten to go on a few since Flintstone was born, and this one is an afternoon date, but I don't care.  I'm going on a date!  Truth be told, I'm a little sad to leave Flintstone behind for the 4 -5 hours when I could be playing with him (don't tell MacGyver!  :-P), but I'm sure it will be worth it.
• I have so much more to say!  I have been so bad at keeping up on the blog lately!  But I'm out of time! 

      Here are some crappy phone super cute pictures of Flintstone to tide you over until I can scrounge another post:

 Uh oh, we have a thumb sucker on our hands - but it's sooooo cute!  And he only does it once in a great while.  I'll start worrying when it becomes more regular.  At least he doesn't run around with a pacifier in his mouth most of the time (not that there's anything wrong with that, I just hate having to clean them every 10 minutes).

 Beach Baby.  He loves splashing in any kind of water.

 He LOVES Daddy's tickley scruff.

Helpin Mama with the laundry!



Have an amazing long weekend All!

Originally Posted:

May 26, 2011 3:08 PM

Parenting Styles

Originally Posted: 

Feb 14, 2011 2:30 PM

Parenting styles, strategies, and tactics!  They're all the rage these days!  Then again, I suppose they always are among a certain group, and, as part of that group, I'm beginning to feel a little buffeted by the constant barrage of parenting advice.  And I am not talking about relatives and well meaning strangers.  No.  I'm talking about the media.  People I've never met reaching out over the airwaves and trying to push me around.

So, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to join in!  Or, at least weigh in.  I'm not giving advice.  I'm just laying out what parenting means in my house, and inviting you all to weigh in on what it means in yours.

I am not a Helicopter Parent, nor am I a Tiger Mom.  I see these as two extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum.  I'm more of a flying lynx.  Or maybe an alligator mommy.  I have a very tough exterior and I don't take any crap, but when my babies are little, I am surprisingly cuddly and protect them viciously.  When they're little.  When they get a little older, I push them out into the world to learn and explore on their own. 

Mama alligators are different from other reptiles in that they don't just lay eggs and leave, they ferociously guard their nests and their hatchlings.  The little hatchlings spend their early lives climbing all over mom and even riding around safely in her mouth.  It's a great juxtaposition, those big, dangerous jaws used to savagely attack and tear apart prey tenderly cradling the little babies until they're ready to go it on their own.

My parenting style is that sort of juxtaposition.  Scary and strict tempered with nurturing and protective. 

All things in moderation.

And, of course, anthropology plays a role.

In the baby stages, where Flintstone is now, I fit pretty closely with the model of Attachment Parenting.  It just seems like the most natural, anthropologically reasoned method.  I am completely responsive to Flintstone.  When he "asks" for something, I provide it as quickly as possible.  He's exclusively breast fed.  We co-sleep, and I pick him up and hold him or wear him most of the time when I'm around him.  My goal is to provide him with the most secure attachment I can and reduce the amount of stress he has to deal with as much as possible.  I try to work with the way his brain is hardwired as a human infant.  For instance, on being picked up and held, from an evolutionary standpoint a human baby is extremely vulnerable.  They cannot move about on their own, and so would be easy pickings for predators.  As such, they are born with an innate need to be close to, preferrably held by, adults.  Because of that, if I'm near Flintstone and he wants to be held, I oblige, and I ask that all his other caregivers do the same. 

That said, he is 5 months old.  Things will gradually start changing soon.  As he develops a greater understanding of cause and effect and interaction - when he is able to understand that he is not in danger and that I am still close by, my responsiveness will change.  I will still acknowledge him as quickly as possible when he expresses a need or discomfort, but if it isn't something that must be dealt with immediately, he may have to wait.  Example:  If he wants to be picked up or played with and I am in the middle of something else, I will talk to him, let him know that I'm there, but he may have to wait a few minutes until he gets what he wants.  But, of course, sometimes he'll still get what he wants right away.

And soon he'll learn the always enjoyable lesson that sometimes we just don't get what we want at all.

Punky is way past these stages.  Punky's pretty familiar with the Alligator side of mommy.  I'm still responsive and supportive, but I am NOT a coddling kind of mommy.  I make it a point to ensure that Punky gets lots of positive attention, but I also make it a point not to sugar coat life.

We eat family dinner together at the table almost every night (MacGyver has night classes two nights a week now, but Punky and I still eat dinner together those nights).  We would never eat dinner in front of the TV (when we had a TV) on a week night.  Typically, we have classical or jazz music playing in the background and we discuss our days.  I love that we are able to do this.

On the one hand, dinner gives us time to catch up and be together without distraction.  On the other hand, it is the time when MacGyver and I hammer the most on manners and food rules.  I am possibly at my most strict at the dinner table.

Punky was 4 when she, MacGyver, and I first started living together, and I won't say it was a smooth or easy transition (maybe one day I'll do a transition to stepmommyhood post if anyone's interested).  While I had known Punky since she was 18 months old, I hadn't been that much a part of her life.  MacGyver and I lived 1000 miles apart before we moved in together so, even though I spent a LOT of time with Punky on visits, the merger of our households was a HUGE change for both her and me.  And much of that transition played out at the dinner table.

Punky had been through some excessively negative experiences with the women in MacGyver's life over the couple years before we moved in together, but when it was just the two of them, MacGyver did an amazing job with her.  For all that she had been through – absentee BioB's and jealously and hostility – she was happy, confident, and smart.  And strong willed.  She knew exactly what she wanted, especially at dinner time (chicken nuggets, french fries, and Disney movies).  But she was 4 (and soon turned 5), and that's a big transition time anyway.  Transitioning to family dinners wasn't much of an issue as Punky is always happy to spend time chatting with MacGyver and I. 

Getting her to try new things was a bit of a roller coaster.  At first, she was all about it.  The novelty of having me there, cooking things she had never had before was exciting.  But I think it dawned on her pretty quickly that these new exciting things were rarely fried.  Plus, she was just at THAT AGE.  So the power struggles ensued, and Alligator mom (also known as the Food Nazi) was born.

I made it pretty simple:  You don't have to like what I make, but, if it's something healthy, you will try at least two normal sized bites of it –every time I make it (because 99% f the time these things grow on her).  And, if you don't like it or you don't finish it, there will be no dessert.  If you don't eat much, whatever you don't finish goes in the fridge in case you're hungry later.  If it's something you once liked but for some reason claim you don't like that night, or if you're "full" after having eaten very little, you can have your leftovers for breakfast.  BUT we never make her eat after she says she's full (ok, that's not true, if she says she's full and has 2 bites left because she picked out some random part of the meal, we will make her eat those two bites).

And you know what?  It worked like an effing charm.  Punky loves veggies now.  All of them.  Seriously.  Sure, if you put fries and spinach in front of her, she's going to prefer the fries, but she will eat the spinach first because she understands that it is better for you, and she really does like spinach.  When we let her pick what to have for dinner, 9 times out of 10 she wants a salad.  The kid is a frigging rabbit.  She even loves Brussels sprouts.  Go figure.  I hated those as a kid.

Now, if that little rabbit could only remember not to talk with her mouth full.

(I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we won't have the same issues with Flintstone as I will be making all his food, and he won't even be getting fruit for quite a while – at least 9 months).

Either MacGyver or I help her with her homework every night.  She loves reading us the books she gets from the school library.   We play games together at least once a week, and we read bedtime stories every night.  MacGyver is we are actively involved with all her extracurriculars.  When she works hard on something, we are certain to pour on the praise.  We DO NOT praise her for every little thing, though.  If it didn't take work, there is no reason to praise it.  We don't want her getting accustomed to getting praised for things that don't take work.

She has chores.  A bunch of them.  From pet care to dishes to cleaning her room.  I think there are 12 total, but I'm not sure.  If she does all of them in a given week (according to the chart on the fridge), she gets something.  Sometimes it's the outing of her choice (like going for a hike or going to the beach), sometimes it's 5 bucks (she's saving up to buy a trampoline).

We don't spank.  Depending on the infraction, she will either do exercises, extra chores, or write sentences/do math problems.  She has outgrown time outs.  Drama and tantrums are not tolerated, and do not get reactions from us.  As such, they almost never happen.  Ok, drama does happen – she is an 8 year old girl – but not tantrum type drama.

I encourage Punky to try to solve her own problems.  I don't ever step in with the answers right away (obviously, there are safety related exceptions to this).  But, in general, in homework, housework, conflicts with teachers and peers, I want her to figure it out for herself.  Or at least really try.  I feel strongly that too many parents are much too quick to step in and solve their kids problems for them.  I get it.  I HATE to see my kids struggle.  But I see so many of these kids entering college, the work force, boot camp, who have never had to deal with their own problems.  Their overprotective, over-involved parents have crippled their ability to function independently, to stand up for themselves and deal with their own problems.  They expect a trophy just for showing up, metephorically speaking.  Punky, Flintstone, and any other babies who might come along (whenever that may be) will not have that problem.  I will arm them, but I will not fight the battle for them.

BUT, if a real threat presents itself, if there is something they can't handle, you can bet your rear end I will be tearing things up.  Have you ever heard of the alligator's death roll?  It'll be that.

Wow, this post has gotten loooong.  I suspect I may need to throw out a couple more refined posts about parenting styles in the future.  There is just a whole lot to say about it.

All in all, my focus is on reality and developmental stages.  Life is tough, but I'm here for you. 

Time Suck

Originally Posted:

Feb 2, 2011 1:49 PM

The Plug

I started this post in the beginning of January, along with the 6 0r 7 others to which I keep alluding.  A meme of sorts posted by a friend of mine last night has inspired me to finally finish it.  Since the post itself promises to be rather long (no surprise there), I'm going to invite you all to join the meme on the front half.

Recently the aforementioned friend, who also happens to be a MarineLawyerMommy started a blog in preparations for writing a book.  The blog, so far, rocks.  And completely puts mine to shame.  When you go follow her blog (because you will), don't think less of me.  You'll see exactly what I mean when you get over there.

The book she is writing, from what I gather, is about the struggles of women in our society to be all.  Or, more accurately, our failures to do so.  How all these extremely successful women go about their days feeling like they have failed at every other thing, from blowing their diets to not wanting to get down on the floor and play dolls.  It's called The Modern Failure, and I am COMPLETELY addicted to it.  And Chanelle, who writes it (I actually have another post about her in the works . . .), is always looking for input, which is super easy given how amazingly thought provoking her every post is proving to be; further putting my mundane "this is what I did today" blog to shame.  And if all that hasn't been enough to get you over there to check her out, maybe this will do it:  She will send HOMEMADE COOKIES (we all know how I love me some cookies) to the first 30 people who plug The Modern Failure.  While that is FAR from the reason I'm plugging it, I am nonetheless very excited about my cookies.

The input she is looking for today is from this post.  I think we all have nights where we look around, the day is gone, and we find ourselves wondering where the hell it went.  Or at least I do.  6 -7 times a week.  Chanelle wants to know where your time goes.   Here is what happens to mine (near as I can tell):

The Post

I have been talking a lot recently to two good friends of mine from OCS – women who knew me when I was just Marine.  Before Mommy.  Lawyer.  And Wife.  Over the last 6 years or so since OCS, all of our lives have changed a lot.  Michelangelo (we are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I'm Donatello) got out of the Marine Corps, became a vagabond in South America, and climbed Machu Picchu.  I was extremely jealous.  Leodardo was sent to Joint Command in the middle of nowhere where she has been able to get a Master's degree and a black belt.  Again, jealous.  Then she joined Roller Derby.  Cue intense jealousy.  I have had a longstanding star-crossed love relationship with Derby since my sorority president introduced me to it oh so many years ago.  I have had fleeting associations with many teams, but I move a lot.  My life changes a lot.  And now, I find myself in a place where I know I'll be stable for at least a couple years, where I could actually join a team – and stay on it – and there is just no way.  I am just too busy. 

And I found myself thinking about how I am almost too busy for my own life these days.  Every single day there is at least one thing I find myself wanting to do that just won't fit, whether it's Roller Derby or just putting in the new garden.

Somewhere between 04:30 and 06:00, Flintstone wakes up to eat.  I prefer it closer to 04:30 because then I can go back to sleep for a little while.  If it's not until 06, when my get-your-lazy-a$$-out-of-bed-NOW alarm goes off, it throws my whole morning off.  From 06 (or whenever Flintstone is sated) until 7, I run around in the dark (I don't even turn on the lights in the kitchen because that will just make it harder to see when I go back in the bedroom) getting my uniform together and on, PT clothes gathered up so I can work out since I've inevitably forgotten to stock my office closet at the beginning of the week again, sanitizing bottles and breast pump paraphernalia, putting my hair up, making myself a lunch, getting everything together and labeled for Flintstone to go to daycare, making a lunch for Punky on the rare occasions that I have time, changing Flintstone and getting him packed into his car seat, letting the dogs out, packing up the diaper bag and my work bag, and getting on the road.  If Flintstone is awake for all of this (which he has been most mornings for the last 2 weeks), this all slows down.  My last minute alarm may have to move back to 05:45 soon.  And this doesn't even take into account days when I'm supposed to be at morning PT. 

I also make a cup of tea during that time window, but more often than not, it's still sitting exactly where I made it when it's time to go.  If I'm lucky, I remember to put it in a travel mug.

I have to be on the road by 07 if I want to be on time.  Punky and usually MacGyver are still asleep when I walk out the door.  I drop Flintstone off at about 7:15, jam my heart back down my throat, and head to work.  I scoot into my office at 7:25.

7:25 – 10:50 I battle the vicious mountains of cases trying to envelop my desk. I pump in the middle of that time.   At 10:50 I change into PT clothes and go work out for an hour or so.  I no longer shower after PT because there just isn't time.  I change back into my uniform and go pick up Flintstone from daycare shortly after noon and take him home to spend the afternoon with MacGyver.  On good days, or days I don't have PT at lunch time, I have lunch with MacGyver and feed Flintstone.

I'm back to the battle by 13:00 (1 o'clock) at the latest.  The battle continues.  I will often have a cup of tea, or even coffee at some point.  I also have to pump again around 3 – joy of joys.  The workday ends at 4:30.  On paper.  In real life I almost never leave the office before 5.  When I was in a trial billet, I could easily stay in the office until 8 before a trial.  I'm glad I'm Review – for now.  I'm told I'm going back to Trial in a few months.

I get home around 5:30.  From 5:30 – 8 there is making dinner, which often requires shopping, dishes, laundry, Punky's homework, feeding Flintstone, eating dinner, and cleanup.  I do not do all of these tasks, if MacGyver is cooking, I'm doing dishes; if he's helping Punky, I'm cooking dinner, and so on.  On nights when everything falls into place and there aren't 75 other things that need to be taken care of, we have time to sit down for a ½ hour and watch something on the projector (got rid of the TV months ago – thank heavens!), or play a game.  But it's usually the former.  A ½ hour of screen time a couple nights a week is not that bad.  Bite me. 

At 8 the getting ready for bed rigmarole begins, which is followed by story time.  Lately, we've been reading the Percy Jackson books, though we just finished the forth one and need to go buy the next.  Shortly before 9, Punky's tucking in is complete.  Flintstone should also be asleep by this point, but I'm usually still holding him as I hate missing story time.  And I suck at putting him down without waking him up.  I am well aware that I should be putting him down sleepy but still a little awake so he gets used to falling asleep on his own.  Whatever.

At some point, whether it's dinner time or after story, I pour myself a glass of wine.  I often remember to drink it.

Once Flintstone is out, MacGyver and I take a shower.  It isn't unusual for MacGyver to have to wake me up for this because I'm usually ready to pass out by the end of dinner.  But after tuck in time is when all the fun grown-up parts of my life take place (ok, maybe at lunch time, too), so I'm usually able to rouse myself enough to spend some quality time with MacGyver.  I like to be asleep by 11.  Well, I'd like to be asleep by 8, but that really isn't an option ;-)

Obviously, every day is different, but that's a "typical" day.  It doesn't count Punky's extracurriculars (can you say girl scout cookies?),  Farmer's Market, and whatever else that eats up my time.

The Roller Derby team I have been courting since before Flintstone was born practices three evenings a week an hour away.  Obviously not an option.  BUT I will be spending a week doing Derby things with the team in May AND they've invited me to participate in other ways.  I might be a ref, a jeerleader, or possibly a volunteer.

But even fitting that stuff in is going to be a challenge.  Because it's not like my schedule is about to open up any time soon.  A friend of ours at church, whose children are grown, commented on Sunday "Oh, you are right in the middle of the best part, careers, young kids, you're young – it's also the hardest, most stressful part – you must not have time for anything."  Ha, to say the least!

So that's my daily time suck.  What's yours?  Head on over to The Modern Failure and let her know!

Mom Guilt

Originally Posted:

Dec 6, 2010 11:21 AM

I hate dropping Flintstone off at day care.  He only goes for about 12 hours a week, max, but that doesn't make me hate it any less.  He's always so bright eyed and cheerful first thing in the morning.  He's excited and full of smiles every time I make eye contact.  I feel like I'm giving the best part of the day to the child care ladies. 

I have a lot of mom guilt.  A good friend of mine here at work, Capt Degu (a degu looks kinda like a chincilla), often talks about how we all have these very high ideals of how we're going to raise our kids before reality gets a hold of us.  She was never going to get a DVD player for her car or feed her son (now 3) processed crap.  Then they went on a long car trip.  They stopped at a Best Buy a couple hours in and got a travel DVD player.  And her husband often feeds the little man box mac n' cheese, and, while she'd like to protest, there just isn't time to make it - or anything else sometimes - from scratch.  High ideals are important because they make us better parents, but, in the end, you can't beat yourself up over reality or you'll start missing the good things.

I still beat myself up over reality a lot of times, though.  I get more time with Flintstone than a lot of working moms.  I have him in my office for about 6 hours a week and I'm able to go home at lunch time (though he's usually napping then, which makes me pout).  And yet I still feel like I'm gone too much.  When I get home at night, there's dinner to be made, laundry and dishes to be done, and Punky needs time, too.  But I just want to spend every minute of that time playing with Flintstone.

One of my weekly emails about baby development this week said "You've probably memorized at least 3 baby books by now."  What?  I barely read to him (well, that's not true; I read my legal journals and parenting magazines to him, but not baby books).  I've read him The Lorax a couple times, but that's it.  No baby books.  Now I feel like a horrible mom.  Because I LOVE reading.  I read all the time.  But I haven't been engaging Flintstone with books.

And I leave him at daycare during his brightest, happiest time of day.

With women who think he's a girl.

Actually, a lot of people think he's a girl.  He's usually dressed in green or brown.  And, quite honestly, I really couldn't care less whether people think he's a boy or a girl.  He's an infant.  It makes no difference.  I would MUCH rather have people mistaking him for a girl than forcing gender stereotypes on him at 3 months old.  And, besides, I know why people think he's a girl.  It's because he's sooooo pretty.  He really is.  I tell him all the time.  Even MacGyver has given in to calling him pretty.  Because he just is.  He has huge dark blue eyes with the longest black eyelashes, and those beautiful eyes are set off beautifully by his bright pink lips.  The pictures above don't quite capture it, but they were the best I had on my phone (I took the smiling one while he was hanging out with me at work).  He is just a downright beautiful boy.  I wish I was more skilled with a camera so I could capture just how pretty his eyes are.

Ha, and there's a little bit of mom guilt peeking out again.  As if my lack of an eye for photographing humans somehow makes me a less devoted mom.  Ugh.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty about all the little things.  I know that if one of my friends said all this to me, I would tell them they're being way too hard on themselves.

I read an article recently.  I don't remember where - possible the Washington Post, but I'm not sure.  About how working parents "these days" are, on average, spending larger amounts of time with their children.  On the surface, it looks like a good thing, but apparently this trend is causing other things to suffer - housework, job performance, marital satisfaction, and the quality of the time spent with the children.  I'm not too worried about the housework suffering.  I mean, I hate that it does.  It drives me nuts when neither of us has enough time to do the dishes for a couple days and the just PILE up.  But I'd rather bond with my babies.  The job performance peice is a tricky one.  I know there are other studies that show that offices with policies that work with parents actually increase productivity.  I imagine the workplaces that suffer from parents spending more time with their kids are those that don't try to accomodate that, causing increased stress and conflict for the worker.

Marital satisfaction - well, that just comes down to making your whole family a priority.  The marital relationship is just as important as the parental if you want the family to stay together.  Which reminds me, I haven't done a post about MacGyver's birthday . . .

Then there's that last one:  The quality of time together.  The article pointed out that if you're sacrificing a lot in other areas to increase the quantity of time with your kids, it can negatively impact the quality of the time.  Increased multitasking and all that jazz.  I know that some nights, Flintstone spends an hour or two just hanging out in the Moby strapped to the front of me while I try to get some of the aforementioned housework done.

So I should drop the guilt and focus on the quality of our family time.  Focus on the quality of my interactions with Flintstone.  That is what I should do.  But that mom guilt still peeks around every corner.  You know I'll be buying a couple new baby books this weekend.

Lit Zen

Originally Posted:

Feb 14, 2009 12:27 PM

Ahhhh . . . contented sigh . . . I have books. I have been so crazy busy that I've barely had time for any reading at all. Because of that fact, all I had been reading were fluff Janet Evanovich books. While they're really entertaining and relaxing, they don't exactly move me along the path of enlightenment, ha. Not that any of the books I got on our recent jaunt to the library are particularly deep, but I did at least accomplish variety.

I've added the Library Thing widget to my sidebar to track the books I consume and my opinions as well as those of my bibliophile friends.

I'm starting with First to Fight by General Krulak, The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs, the classic Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler, a good helping of Douglas Adams in the form of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, and another Stephanie Plum novel (I can't seem to resist).

I can't even express how thrilled I am to have all this reading material at my fingertips. It helps me relax just knowing it's there.